Headshots: A series of anti-poems in the key of LinkedIn

  • You just spilled your beer down the front of my hard-earned favorite silk dress as I’m waiting in line at some NFT party I feel obliged to go to. The guy next to you is yelling something in your ear. You don’t say excuse me, just give me that precious shit-eating grin, that tilt of the head. Sorry.
  • It was hot, even by the pool. The breeze poured over you, ruffling your white shirt. You’re looking around. You stare at me. Life is meaningless.
  • You may smile, or you may not. You may be looking at me, or looking at some imagined horizon, ready to take on a thousand pixelated enemies, virtual sword in hand. You are the male-model hero the metaverse has been waiting for. 
  • You are just ridiculously nice. I like you! Your back’s against a brick wall. That doesn’t seem fair.
  • You did such an inspirational job running the chakra seminar. I forgot I was in a hotel ballroom for a sec there. Have you considered that influencers might be the new prophets? Just asking.
  • You swear you have nothing to tell me, but I know. I see it in that faint suggestion of a smile. You’re gonna tell me. It’s not what I thought, but I guess we’ll both have to live with that.
  • You were a nerd as a younger man. Now you’re in a suit, but that nerdiness works like a secret aura, making it all okay. You are stealth-likeable.
  • OMG your blue jacket and carefully styled super short hair says it all. You make more money than I ever will. FFS. 
  • You aren’t quite sure what brought you here. You’ve got a black leather jacket. I know, life is but a dream and it’s kind of an unpleasant one. The bar’s over there.
  • Can I just say: you’re adorable. Like seriously. Okay, I’ll just say it: You’re adorable!
  • You’re guarded. You’re wary. It’s been a hard road. People should just trust you. Would that lift the half-hidden pain from around your eyes?
  • They made me smile for this pic. ‘Nuf said.
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